In case you're wondering, this Web page is about my next-door neighbors. Since my neighbors have been driving me crazy and no amount of civilized reasoning and/or negotiations have worked - I have decided to dedicate a small corner of cyber-space to them.
My family and friends are constantly asking me to tell them the "latest" thing
my neighbor has done so this page will save me from repeating myself. Besides, I
thought it would be fun. Everything you read here is entirely true, that's what
makes it so funny. Enjoy!
Background:
My neighbors moved into the house next to ours in October 1997. It’s a brand new
neighborhood with new houses. Everyone’s house looks beautiful but that’s about
to change. The new neighbors seem like normal people until shortly after they
move in (more later).
First, let me say that my redneck neighbor is not destitute or under-privileged.
The guy owns a business, drives VERY nice new cars, he just doesn’t care about
his house. In order to protect the ignorant, we’ll call him John Doe # 8 or JD8
for short.
October 1997 - They are here!
Well, it should have been a sign of things to come but my neighbors move into
their brand new house. Inventory: 1 artificial Christmas tree, clothes, stereo
system, TV, no furniture). The Christmas tree is nicely decorated (remember,
it's October). We can tell what the tree looks like because the windows have no
miniblinds so at night, you can see right into the house as you drive up. They
have also decided to wrap some strands of Christmas lights around their front
porch railing. I guess there's no electric outlet nearby because they never turn
these lights on.
October 1997 - 1st Home beautification project
It's dark outside, I'm standing in front of my house and my neighbor does the
following: He gets in his car, drives it up to the house on the other side of my
house (this house is still being built). He backs his car up to the construction
site and opens the trunk. He calmly proceeds to load up the trunk with bricks
and 2x4s. Pretty clever, huh?
The
following night, at around 9:00pm he decides it's time to build a mailbox post.
It's very nice. He used the stolen 2x4s from the previous night. It looks like
it's made out of 2x4s except he didn't steal any that were long enough so he
nails a couple of them together to get the correct height - I mean, it has to
look just right! The mailbox post is not very sturdy so he braces it with an
additional 2x4 (at an angle).
He uses the bricks as edging for his flower beds. They look nice. Especially
with the newly planted bamboo trees and the ten gallon fish tank (no fish, just
water).
November 1997 - The fence!
I wake up to my wife telling me, "Hey, it looks like JD8 is working on a fence".
Well I don't think much of it until she tells me that he's trying to build a
fence around the entire house (front and back) and that the fence is going to be
chain-link. We have some "covenant rules" that prohibit you from putting up a
silver chain-link fence. Also, you cannot have any fence go past the back of
your house. By now, I am freaking out. I can see the property value falling
faster than his mailbox post.
Anyway, I get to work and at 9:01AM I call our builder. I explain the situation
to him and he agrees to pay JD8 a visit before the concrete around the metal
posts dries. Sure enough, I get home after work and the posts around the front
of the house are laying on the street. Not exactly what I expected but at least
they're out of the ground. Tragedy is averted for now.
A few days later I realize he's not putting up chain-link but "chicken wire".
Call # 2 to the builder. While talking on the phone, the builder starts
referring to the neighbor in a less-than-amicable fashion – someone else on my
side! By that afternoon, the fence is chain-link again. The top of the fence
looks like a wave (he didn't want to spend the 6 bucks on a level), and the
sides look like an S. Very crafty guy. Total estimated fence cost: $250.00 - but
wait! -- He didn't set all the metal posts in concrete! Actual cost: $62.50. You
get the idea here.
Sometime after the fence
Well, it's time to give Cujo the Rottweiler a home. The dog's actual name is
Lucky. The dog quickly learns how to jump the fence. Once tied to a chain, he
also learns that if he barks for a long time, people will come out to see him.
Unfortunately, for about the first two weeks, he wants to be "seen" late at
night. Apparently, JD8 doesn't play the
"let's-see-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-dog" game. I'm the only game
participant. After throwing a few rocks Cujo's way, he decides he'd rather sleep
at night.
Something else needs to be mentioned. Since JD8’s business is booming, he
decides he doesn't have time to feed "Not-so-Lucky". Instead, he breaks open a
50 lb. bag of dog food in the middle of his storage closet and Cujo goes in
there whenever he's hungry. Unfortunately for Cujo, the ants like dog food too.
Sometime after the dog
All work and no play is cramping JD8’s lifestyle! It's time to get in shape. We
wake up early on a Saturday morning to the sounds of a bouncing basketball. He's
put a basketball goal about 15 feet from our bedroom window.
Mom moves in!
Nothing wrong here. Mom seems like a very nice lady. Unfortunately, my wife
wakes me up to bad news again. "Something weird is happening at JD8’s house. His
dog is chasing some chickens around the back yard." Unfortunate indeed. Just as
I peek out the bathroom window, I see JD8’s mom come out and throw some chicken
feed in the middle of the yard. About nine chickens gather around, frantically
pecking at the food but Cujo crashes in and spoils the moment. My morning is
spoiled as well.
Remember the old "covenant rules" of our neighborhood? Well, there's a sentence
in there about livestock (fancy word for chickens and goats). We don’t live in
the country – we live in the city. After a quick phone call to our city's
"Special enforcement" folks, they promise to come out and give JD8 a warning.
The chickens are gone within a couple days. Can you say chicken feast?
Shortly after this, JD8 decides that maybe the city folks don't like chickens. My wife thinks she hears Canadian geese behind our house. It's geese alright. JD8 has enclosed the wooden deck behind his house with some more chain-link fence and is now raising geese right on the deck! The geese disappear weeks after without the intervention of the fine folks at Special Enforcement. Maybe they flew away. Mom decides she can't be without her feathery friends and moves back home shortly after.
Party number one
It's Tuesday morning, about 2:00am. My wife and I wake up to what feels like a
small tremor. It's JD8’s stereo, AKA the Bass Machine. All we hear is this bass
rumble (it's making our bedroom windows rattle), and what sounds like a very
poor male singer. Every song has the same monotone male singer. Well, amusement
quickly turns to annoyance and anger. I decide to go ask them to turn it down.
I knock on the door. Get ready for this image. The door opens, JD8 is holding a
beer. There's a working disco ball hanging on their ceiling fan. There's a guy
in the background standing in front of a big screen TV (holding a microphone).
The words to George Michael's "Careless Whisper" slowly scroll to the music. You
guessed it! It's a Karaoke Party!!! It takes all my strength to not laugh and
remain "angry". I ask them to turn it down. The music stops for tonight.
2nd home beautification project
JD8 decides to put up rain gutters in front of his carport. Unfortunately he
doesn't buy a piece long enough for the width of the carport. Instead, he buys
two pieces. They're about ten feet long. He wedges the two pieces together by
hand and proceeds to nail the now larger piece directly onto the carport. Once
again, things don't go as planned for JD8 and he realizes the middle of the rain
gutter is sagging -- right where the two pieces join. Having no time to consult
his engineer friends, he comes up with the answer -- he ties a piece of a wire
coat hanger around the middle of the rain gutter. For the finishing touch, he
ties the coat hanger around a nail he's nailed onto the carport roof shingles.
The nail is not nailed all the way into the shingles. About an inch of the nail
remains above the shingles with the coat hanger wire neatly wrapped around it.
Bob Vila would love this guy.
The Rock
This
has to do with another home improvement project. There's no way to describe this
project. It is quite simple. He wants to put a rock in his flower bed. The weird
part is how the rock is placed there. When I describe this to my friends at
work, I call it the "one legged table". I know it's hard to picture it. To see
it, click here.
Party number two
This party follows the pattern of the first party except I didn't feel the urge
to laugh. The scenario is the same. It's a weeknight, it's about 1:00AM and the
party is going strong. I decide to again go speak to JD8 about the problem. I
knock on the door and soon realize that the music is so loud that they can't
hear the doorbell or my knocking. It's very cold outside and I'm VERY angry by
now. The only thing I can do is to wait for the song to end so I can pound on
the door hard enough for them to hear me. As predicted, the song ends, I bang on
the door and in a few seconds, JD8 is standing there, holding a beer, smiling at
me. I explain my concerns to JD8 and he apologizes several hundred times. I
shake my head and return home.
Same night, but it's now 3:00am. The music is back and with authority. It wakes
us up again and this time I'm ready to kill somebody. Instead, I call the
police. The funny thing is that when the police officer arrives, JD8 can't hear
the officer knocking on the door. By now, my wife and I are glued to the window
hoping to see some police brutality (yeah it's bad). The officer proceeds to
walk around the house shining his flashlight into the windows hoping to get a
glimpse of what's happening inside.
As the officer is walking back towards the front of the house, JD8 opens the
door and sees the police car. He panics and slams the door shut. The officer
sees the light shining on the front lawn and runs to the front door. The officer
starts pounding on the door, and shouting. After about thirty seconds, the door
opens and the cop goes inside the house. We can hear the officer screaming for
them to turn the music off. Sweet! I meet the officer by his car and he
tells me to call him back if I hear anything so he can take everyone to jail. It
was beautiful.
The Structure
In
case you have not noticed by now, JD8’s favorite hobby is to build things
poorly. His next project is yet unnamed. All my friends call it the chicken
coop. There are several theories as to what this building really is. The
theories include: chicken coop, two-story deck, two-story chicken coop, work
shop, shed, etc. It would be easier for you to see it than for me to describe
it. Once thing is certain, it is HUGE. Unfortunately for JD8, I called the city
and he has been asked by the fine folks at "code enforcement" to stop building
whatever that is. He needs to get a building permit. Luckily for the
neighborhood, that thing will not meet building code regardless of what it is.
The lawn mower
After living here about 8 months, JD8 decides to buy a lawn mower. Unfortunately
for my wife and I, JD8 is too excited about his new purchase. He's so excited
that he decides he needs to cut the lawn. The only problem is that once again,
the entire neighborhood is asleep. It's midnight! This is the only time I curse
at my neighbor but I do not know what else to do. He explains he is "testing"
the lawn mower. I don't think he understands my point. He seems to think I'm
upset that he is cutting his lawn. The fact that he is making entirely too much
noise never crosses his mind.
Miscellaneous Pictures
This
is a picture of part of JD8’s back yard. This is the part that connects our
property. Check out the workmanship of his chain-link fence!
No words can say enough here. JD8 also likes to work on his car. Since this picture was taken, he poured the contents of the oil pan into a hole in his yard.
Labor Day Party
Fortunately for us, we were not home on Labor Day weekend. However, two of my
other neighbors tell me that JD8 and friends had a knock-out-drag-out fist fight
in the middle of the street. The time, of course, about 2:00AM. I can't tell you
much about it except that the police showed up and got things under control. I
presume somebody was on the Karaoke machine singing "Everybody was Kung Fu
fighting" and things got out of hand after that.
Late night project
Just
when you think JD8 will take a breather, things get going again. This time, it's
about 11:00pm and he decides his carport is not complete. It's missing something
– something other than a car. JD8 is putting together a pool table. It's
positioned directly in the center of his carport - where else do you put a pool
table, right? I have to point out that this happened long before the Drew Carry
show so he didn’t get the idea from there. BTW – you can check out the rain
gutters on that last picture.
Back to the story. Of course, he is hammering,
dropping things, and just making a whole lot of noise. I decide to just open the
window and "ask" JD8 to keep it down. Apparently, "keeping it down" is a
relative term. The project continues.
To make a long story short, it's now 1:00am and the banging and hammering is
still going on. I decide to call the police. Before the cops get here, one of
JD8’s friends decides it's not too late in the evening to race his car's engine
and burn some rubber all the way up the street. It's just wholesome fun!
The policeman arrives and I explain the situation. I also tell him this time we
ARE definitely going to court over this. He goes over to JD8’s house and after
about 15 minutes, motions me to come over. It becomes evident that the cop has
mentioned somebody is going to jail because the entire household is out of the
house frantically apologizing, and trying to shake my hand.
The cop explains that it is up to me to decide whether or not they get to spend
a night downtown. I'm guessing that the JD8 crew is picturing some
third-world-country type jail because they are quite frantic.
I tell them that "this time" I won't let the police take them to jail. However, the "next time" we have a problem, "some damn body" is going to jail. The police officer agrees and gives me his business card. He asks me to specifically request his presence the next time I need the police out here. He tells them he doesn't want to be back. They are still nodding, waving, and shaking hands.
Back Yard Accident?
Well, after many months of inactivity, JD8 surpasses his previous antics. I come
home from work to the sight of a smoking back yard. It turns out that it was
winter time and the grass was dried-up(dormant) – JD8 threw a lit cigarette out
his back door and you can imagine the rest. Here are two pictures of the
end-result. Luckily for us, the fire stayed far from our property.
Unfortunately, the grass didn’t burn long enough to take the wooden structure
down. The privacy fence you see in the pictures separates his yard from the
property behind our houses. That fence was about two weeks old. Here are the
pictures: (Picture one) (Picture two).
Hibachi Hell
After a long hiatus, JD8 comes back strong. One early morning (around 5:15am), I
wake up to the sound of voices. My wife is wide awake - peeking out of our
bedroom miniblinds. She tells me there are a few fire department trucks outside.
Apparently, a neighbor (from the apartment buildings behind our subdivision) was
on his way to work (he's a soldier) and noticed a fire behind JD8’s house. He
jumped over the privacy fence, woke JD8 up, and called the fire department.
I proceeded to go out there to get the scoop on what had happened. It turns out
that JD8 had left a Hibachi grill on top of his wooden picnic table.
Unfortunately, the picnic table was sitting on top of his wooden deck. To make a
long story short, the table and a big part of the deck went up in flames. Of
course, you want to see the pictures! Exhibit A Exhibit B Exhibit C
Check out the chain link fence around the deck. That's where the geese used to
live.
Neighborhood thugs
In case you don't remember, long ago, JD8 had placed a basketball goal right
outside our bedroom window. Unfortunately for
JD8,
some neighborhood thugs put a couple bricks through the back-board.
Unfortunately for me, the same bricks also took a chunk off the side of my
house. JD8 decides to move the basketball goal to the curb to be picked up by
our city's waste disposal specialists (garbage men). Well, from the look of
JD8’s house, the garbage men aren't sure if it's really garbage so they never
pick it up. The broken basketball goal sits by the curb for several months when
JD8 decides to put it back on his driveway. He does not use it again. Here is a
picture of the basketball goal. See the Christmas lights in the background? This
picture was taken in the summer.
Home-grown fish?
I
really don't know what to make of this one. JD8 has done stuff like this before.
Again, like many of JD8’s antics, this one has to do with his never-ending love
for home-improvement. The premise is simple, the flower bed by the mailbox is
missing something.... hmmmmmmmm, a fish tank of course! No fish, just some green
water.
Latest Home Improvements
Since there are a few of these, I'll just bunch them together. The first in this array of home beautification efforts has to do with the old mailbox (the one made with 2x4's). JD8 decides to use the old stolen bricks and build a brick mailbox. It's really nice. However, he uses his old white plastic mailbox and leaves the flag attached to it instead of attaching a flag to the bricks (it makes the mailbox flag inoperable – it stays up). Of course, worried about mail fraud or perhaps the anthrax scare, JD8 protects his mail with a Jesus Christ statue on top of the mailbox. Check out the handy work.
Notice the realty sign by the mailbox. That's right
- this beautiful, well-taken-care-of home could be all yours. PLEASE buy it. I
beg you. (No the house has not sold).
Apparently the fish tank by the mailbox is not
conducive to the preservation of carbon-based life forms. JD8 decides his next
project will be a pond. Luckily for the neighborhood, he places the pond in his
back yard. The actual construction of the pond is actually the best-looking
project so far (it really is). However, JD8 had to add his personal touch to it
and screwed everything up. JD8 decides to add a waterfall to the pond. He
proceeds to remove a section of rain-gutters from the carport in order to get
the waterfall effect. Here are the pictures.
The next project is a weird one. JD8 wanted to plant some spices. Again, he could choose to use normal plant pots to grow these. Instead, he buys several of those blue, child-size swimming pools (you know, the round ones that are about a foot deep) and fills them up with top soil. The look really nice - especially sitting next to the smelly pond.
This next project occurred long before the
September 11 events. JD8 decides to put up an American flag in front of his
house. I don’t mind that he’s putting up a flag. However, the JD8 School of Home
Improvement (not yet an accredited learning institution) states that the flag
pole needs to be taller than your house. Small aircraft, beware! Flag pole
Flag pole update
I have to admit that I'm impressed that JD8 has taken the time to replace the
American flag with a new one since the old one was looking a little dirty. In
this unprecedented set of pictures, we get to see JD8's handy work as it
happens!! I actually took these pictures while he did the work. The quality of
the pictures is really bad because I had to take the pictures through the window
screen and with the camera flash disabled. Otherwise, my cover would have been
blown. Note that he uses his Chevy Suburban to stand on (rather than using a
ladder) and that the flag is upside down!! JD8 is awesome. Of course, he figures
out that the flag is upside down and fixes it. The pictures tell the story.
Again, sorry about the poor picture quality.
Web site is famous!!
On April 12, 2002, cable channel TechTV did a small feature about this website
on their show called The Screen Savers.
Backyard update
I'm
finally getting to update the page after numerous requests. The latest backyard
project is a lovely utility shed/storage building. Of course, JD8 finds a way to
add his personal touch to this project. Luckily for all of us, no treated lumber
was used in this project so the thing will rot and collapse soon. And of course,
what fun is a new shed unless it has some pets living under it? Oh, I bet you're
picturing a dog under there. Think again.
Thank God for taxes
Yes, you are reading that correctly. Taxes can be a good thing. Apparently JD8's
pigs were annoying somebody else in the neighborhood and I'm guessing a phone
call or two were made. Probably because the pigs were free to roam the
neighborhood. I took most of the pig pictures in my front yard.
To make this short - as I pulled into my driveway today, I noticed the fine folks of our city's animal control department fetching some pigs. It took them a while but being the professionals they are, they got the job done. - I didn't realize pigs could run that fast.